Keeping Tania’s Memory Alive

She was the last friend/loved one that I lost.

I didn't believe it when I heard the news. My mind went to the first thing I always thought when I got a call about her. That she was drunk and lost in her feelings. After a minute or two... I realized what they had told me. I was shocked the entire way to talk to the police and inform her family.

I felt... lost. And I felt sorry. The last thing I told her was that she needed to straighten out her life. When she tried to use the same old excuses, I yelled at her. Telling her not to be so damn childish.

Then I felt as if a piece of my heart had been ripped out of my chest. ‘Cause I loved her so much. She was someone that I could turn to when I needed a friend. We were each other's back-up plan if we were both still single at the end of 2020. 

And I felt lost... because a part of me believed that I would never find anyone else that would love me for who I am. Much less want to be with me.

I didn't learn something so much as my mindset changed. It increased my drive to change. To break past all my comfort zones. I didn't want to die knowing I had so much still weighing me down. I know Tania had loads of things that kept her from changing her life for the better. And I knew how much she hated that fact too. Mainly ‘cuz it was also compounded with her fear.

I didn't want to die living the easy way. I have always lived life the HARD WAY. Choosing the path of most resistance. Not because I'm a glutton for punishment. But by knowing that pain and suffering are often part of the learning and growth. 

If I go any other way, I would be committing spiritual suicide. So I smash my way through walls and day after day. Learning more and more about who I am. By living beyond all the comforts of my past days.

Thanks Tania, for pushing me forwards towards leaving all my baggage behind.

I have hundreds of memories about Tania. But I remember us being in bed the most. Not sex. But holding each other. When we were at our lowest. We would hold each other till we would fall asleep. 

Tania was very special. Smart. Good natured. Kind. Giving. Beautiful. Loving. Always laughing. She could have done so much. But she let her fear and worries stop her from being more than she was.

I do what I have always done to remember people. I sit and think about them. Or tell stories about them. Even if it's just to myself. And when I'm in bed by myself, I imagine her next to me, ready to wrap her arms about me so I don't feel alone in the world. 

It made me remember that I am alone.  But I don't have to let that stop me. It just means that I have more time to work on me.